


tick tock

by dizzy



Series: alittlewavey fic-a-thon [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Outing, Self-Hatred, canon based
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 10:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20637716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Dan gets outed on twitter by Phil's sorta-ex.





	tick tock

Phil's watch is laying on the nightstand. 

Phil doesn't wear a watch. 

Except, today he does. 

Phil woke up this morning and he decided he was going to be a person that wore a watch. His grandfather gave him one ages ago, and he's never worn it. It doesn't even work. 

(Didn't. Didn't work.)

Who needs watches? He's got a phone, after all. 

But the watch was only gathering dust and something sentimental must have settled itself over Phil, because he decided out of nowhere that he needed to fix the watch and if he fixed it, he might as well wear it. 

They watched watch repair youtube videos for hours. They sat there so long determined to make the bloody thing tick again that they didn't even get 'round to filming the video Phil wanted to film. 

They fixed it. It was a good day. Dan felt productive, and Phil had a watch. 

*

The point is: 

Phil didn't go to bed last night thinking today he'd be a person who wore a watch. 

The point is also: 

Dan didn't go to bed last night thinking today he'd be a person whose ugly secrets were spilled out in front of the entire world again. Again. 

Sometimes that's just how life goes. 

*

They're not in the same room while it happens. 

Phil texts him a simple _dan?_ but he doesn't come to the bedroom. 

Dan's a little bit mad at him for it. He knows that sometimes the depth of Dan's anger and frustration can scare Phil, can push him away a bit even if in the end he always comes back. 

He does actually understand that Phil's probably keeping his distance because he doesn't know what version of Dan he's going to see when he opens the door. 

Phil's scared of a lot of things. Dan hates that he's one of them. 

He also hates that he can't just pick up the phone and say the words that would make Phil come walking in. 

I'm scared. 

I'm sorry. 

Make him stop. 

He watches the number of mentions he has grow and grow and then slams his laptop shut. 

* 

He can hear Phil's voice talking low. Phil's on the phone with someone. 

The walls in this flat are too damned thin. 

He gets another text. 

_wirrow is worried_

Then without pause. 

_i'm worried_

Dan's hands are shaking when he types back, _you know where i am_. 

The only thing that keeps him from throwing his phone across the room is that every present gnawing fear that this will be the thing that makes the bottom drop out and everything will fall away so fast he wouldn't even be able to afford another one. 

*

"Dan," Phil says. 

He's standing in the doorway now. 

"What a shitshow," Dan says. 

He knows Phil can tell he's been crying. It's weird how tears come even when he feels so numb, and then some days all he wants to do is cry and he can't. 

"I'm sorry." 

Phil's voice is slunk low and his shoulders are hunched. If he had a tail, it'd be tucked between his legs. 

"Not your fault," Dan mutters. 

"Yeah." Phil doesn't sound like he's actually agreeing with Dan. 

Phil probably does think it's his fault. Phil thinks everything is his fault. 

Sometimes Dan makes that worse, and then Phil feels bad because Dan feels bad, and it's just an endless cycle of masochism. 

How long until Phil gets tired of this stupid fucking ride? 

(A long time, Dan hopes.) 

*

"Come sit," Dan says. 

He wants to say _come hold me_ but he doesn't. 

"Wirrow replied," Phil says. "On twitter. I told him to delete it. It was-"

"I saw," Dan says. 

"I'm sorry. Charlie wouldn't be so - if it weren't for me." 

Dan snorts. "You give yourself a lot of credit there, mate. Maybe it's just how naturally hate-able a person I am." 

"Dan." Phil still manages to sound shocked at the depth of Dan's capacity toward negativity about himself, after all these years. "You are not." 

Dan folds in tight on himself. "I am." 

"You're not," Phil argues. "So many people love you." 

"People that don't know me love me."

"I know you," Phil says. "I love you." 

Dan doesn't have an answer for that. 

"I love you too," he eventually says, because he remembered: that's the answer. 

*

Phil gets up and makes them each a Ribena. 

When he walks back in, Dan's under the duvet. 

"Are we sleeping in here tonight?" Phil asks. 

Dan hears that tremor of forced bravery in Phil's voice at the 'we.' 

He ignores it out of kindness. If he opened his mouth to respond he'd probably just call Phil an idiot for thinking Dan ever wants to be anywhere Phil isn't. 

(Except all those times he wants to be nowhere at all.) 

"Yeah," Dan says. "I don't want to move." 

Phil puts his glass on the nightstand by the watch. 

* 

It's easier when the lights are off. 

It always is, somehow. 

He slides easily into Phil's arms. "What a shitshow," he says, for the second time. 

He feels Phil's fingers in his hair. "A shitshow," Phil agrees. 

Dan kisses Phil's bare shoulder. "Tell me everyone doesn't know." 

"Charlie's just like that," Phil says. "People will think he's just talking out of his bum like he always does." 

Dan knows it's a lie. A lot of people believe Charlie, because the thing about Charlie is that he doesn't lie. He just tells truths that aren't his. 

"I can talk to him," Phil whispers, sounding defeated. 

"No." Dan doesn't even hesitate. 

That small petty jealous thing that lived in his chest for all of those months before he and Phil ever started to talk still snarks and shows its teeth every now and then. 

He doesn't want Phil talking to Charlie. Not even for this. 

"I'll get Wirrow to, then." 

Dan's fine with that. Wirrow never wanted to suck Charlie's dick, and even if he did Dan wouldn't care. 

He wraps his arms tighter around Phil. 

He's drawn so tight. Something has to break. He's going to break. 

"I love you so much," Phil whispers, choked with emotion.

The taut line going between his heart and the steady spirals in his brain slackens abruptly, just like that. 

It doesn't go away. It's still there. It's still tying him down to these things about himself he's not ready to work through yet. 

But he's not alone. 

Not alone. Not alone. Not alone. 

That's the difference. That's what makes Before Phil so dark and After Phil so... not. 

Dan is still Dan, but it's easier not to fall when someone is holding his hand. 

"Are you going to wear your watch again tomorrow?" Dan asks. He doesn't really care about the answer. He just wants to feign normality. 

He's really good at shutting topics down and shoving them away deep inside. 

Phil laughs a little. Dan's not sure why it's funny. "Maybe." 

"Made you look all grown up." Dan says. "Sexy." 

"Can we have a lie in tomorrow?" Phil asks. 

Dan's not even sure he'll be able to sleep, but he still says, "Yes." 

"And watch movies?" 

"Of course." 

"You can pick them out." 

"You always say that," Dan says. "And then you tell me you're not in the mood for whatever I pick." 

"Attune yourself to my mood first," Phil says. "Then we won't have a problem." 

It's nonsense talk to a soothing cadence. "You idiot," he says. "Aliens programmed you, how am I supposed to attune to that?"

Nothing about this is over. It's never over to Dan. He'll wake up tomorrow and feel crushed by it all over again. He'll have to face the internet and the hoards of people who can never figure out. Are they defending him? Or do they just want to feel involved? Do they really care? Or do they just feel drawn to his secrets? Is anyone in his life even real except for Phil? 

He digs a hole and buries it deep, then takes a long shaky breath. Maybe he's not so good at it if he has to keep reminding himself to do it. 

Phil holds him a little more tightly. "It's okay," he whispers, and Dan knows it's two different conversations when he finishes it up with, "My mind is just really complicated and mere mortals can't comprehend it." 

Maybe they'll lay here trading stupid insults until the sun comes up. Maybe a meteor will hit the earth and none of it will matter by morning. Or maybe Phil will fall asleep in an hour and Dan will spend the night pacing the halls trying not to feel like fear is all his life will ever be. 

"Yeah," Dan says. He teeters back and forth on the tightrope of sanity before finding his balance in the up and down of Phil's chest under his cheek. "Luckily for you I'm not a mortal." 

Phil laughs. "Lucky me." 

*

Maybe in the morning Dan will wake up and decides his secrets shouldn't be secrets. 

Maybe in the morning Phil will look at the nightstand and decide he's not a watch guy after all. 

They are who they are, until they wake up one day and decide to be someone different.


End file.
